Many have been asking about this book I was writing, and what it was about. I took a few pieces out of each chapter and turned it into a short randition of the book in poem format. So here you go:
The Story of me…it couldn’t be!
May 25th on a warm summer’s day, my mother in the hospital in the bed she lay, Pushin, and screamin, and lots of hard work, who know she would give birth to somethin that turned into a quirk. Then she had an idea she got from her sister, the only problem was she forgot to discuss it with the mister. Adoption she thought was the key and then off to her old life she would be. Not a care in the world did she have, she had that baby girl and it made her mad. If only she had that she dreamed of, then it would make sense to give me eternal love. The second guy came and blew her away, and all of sudden she had no bills to pay. She found her true love and who would have known that God had other plans that would be shown.
The second pregnancy came, and all of a sudden she was done playing games. Time to settle down and take care of her boy, this time she was excited and he was not a toy. Her idea of baby had finally come true, she had that baby boy and to keep him is what she wanted to do. Then came the second boy, and oh life was perfect, but she soon for forgot of the girl she sent ship wrecked. This girl was adopted by a family real kind, but little did she know her life was getting ready to unwind. The perfect little place this girl could call home, but soon in the world she would be all alone.
The first home was stable until I was four, and then all of a sudden I was grabbed out the door. In the car with a stranger, and at my age I only felt danger. To be taken form the place I knew as my own was making me feel trapped and to another place I would roam.
The first foster house was scary and I lasted a day, thank God for the foster care the next home was a day away. The next home was alright and scary at times to, but as a five year old you have no clue. This family cool and the kids were stars, but unfortunately this home would leave bad scares. Hiding under a bush as I got of the head start bus, I knew my foster mom was a big lush. Weather it was crack today or weed tomorrow, either way my pain would turn into sorrow. As I heard the words “Go get switch” I knew quickly to hide in a ditch.
Finally on a visit with the previous family, the case worker noticed I was bruised pretty badly. On to the next home is where I would go, but now as a six year old my self esteem was very low. Wondering why I wasn’t like the other kids with a normal mom and dad, and feeling my situation was making me mad. All the love in the world couldn't change me as a child, you put me through hell and it made me wild.
As this next foster family came to root, I didn’t really care, who gives a hoot. It’s just another house is what it felt to me, and all I wanted to do was hide in a tree. There were two parents in the home, and all I wanted them to do was LEAVE ME ALONE! They introduced me to lots of kids, and all I did was run and hid.
Little did I know this is where my real life would start, but all in all it was like throwing a dart. This was either going to be a hit or miss, and in the end would I only get pissed. I had all I needed food, shelter, and clothes, oh and lots of brothers and sisters too, it was so hard not to feel blue. The agency came to take my picture and put it in the press, what away to make a child feel less. I was now on sale to the public eye, and what other family wanted to tell me a lie. The ad didn’t run long, and all I could do was hope and stay strong. I was finally adopted into this with out a doubt, but all I could do was run and pout. But feeling scared deep down inside, all my soul was telling me was to still run and hide.
Now I am almost seven and everything in this home was going well, who knew if it would stay this swell. However, it would shortly fall apart, and who knew the molesting would start. Scared out of my mind as this boy would touch me, I would pretend to be asleep, but little did I know the secrets I would have to keep. I shared a room with the boys for a while, but then the molesting started to pile.
I finally told my sister and had to work up the nerve, but who would have know the punishment I didn’t deserve. The yelling and screaming of all I didn’t do, and the gripping of my arm made me feel like pooh. At that moment the anger would start building more and more, they had no idea as I slammed the door.
From seven to nineteen I did nothing right and all I wanted to do was put up a fight. I had the wrong friends, wrong grades, wrong attitude, wrong this and wrong that, wrong, wrong, wrong…really did it need to last that long? In the middle of all this you decided to show up, but showed my picture around my school, really? That’s what’s up? Yeah you maybe my dad, but that little episode made me mad. The kids at school were all kind of scared, and the worse part was they all sat there and stared. Your plan was to get my ass in your car, and take me away very far. You then were arrested at my school and I know you were thinking you would win that dual. You may be in charge of the street, but for once your strategy was finally beat. And as of today there you sit, yeah you know what I’m talking about in the pit. Father, that pit is called jail, and that is where you go when fail. Now that I think of it you aren’t a father, when it comes to my life you're just a bother.
I was finally doing really well, and what did they do, Yup that’s right, they continued to dwell. The only problem was when the focus was on me, your other children were where they weren’t supposed to be. Of course you had no clue, and when it was time to face it you didn’t know what to do. I may have gone to high school for another year, but all your other kids were out drinkin beer. I had goals and dreams, and things I wanted to do, but all you could do is tell me I had a loose screw. I grew very angry and wanted to fit in, so at that point someone had to give in. I packed all my bags and off I went, and off to a friends for two months I spent. Then all of a sudden the hate came to an end, I had to stick it out so my road wouldn’t bend.
I finally graduated, and oh all the time I had waited. I was ready have started my own life, but who would have know I’d feel like I was stabbed with a knife. I’m finally 21 and I had a close friend, that I cared for very deeply, but all of a sudden he became very creepy. We hung out night after night, and all of a sudden something wasn’t right. We were out at the bar having a good time, with a drink in one hand and his other in mine. Then all of a sudden I felt really funny, and who would have known I would be carried away like a dummy. The next morning I woke up and looked around, and naked in a bed I was found. I quickly looked for my clothes and they were on the ground. I sat there a moment to try and figure out what happened on the corner of his bed, and little did I know he would try and fill my head. That’s right, I’m not stupid, it was date rape and I should have know from the letters, cause he told me sold drugs to make his life better. If you knew me, you knew my motto, hooking up with me was like your chances of winning the lotto. I said not a word and this story has never been heard, but only by a few who already knew. This character is out of sight out of mind, and he will never be remembered, he is left behind.
So I had been through a lot, and a lot was rough, but again it’s time to move on, I knew I was tough. Got together with some old friends and we all got a place, who knew that would all be a disgrace. I was a little hesitant to have men in our apartment, all I could think of was oh the torment. From my situation I was a little fearful, and I was not about to get an earful. We had lots of fun, and went out all week, but who would know how little did we speak. We had this power with men and what did it do, it brought them back to our house and they wanted to screw. No not me, all you were doing with me was sitting on the couch and got to watch TV. I then started to see this was not a life for me, and all I wanted to do was to be free.
I started working with kids who were in trouble, and with my experiences I could save them double. I continued to go to school, and do really well. Who knew that life could be this swell. I worked really hard at what I did, and the nights were long, but all I could think of was I had to be strong. I then started to volunteer to teach kids about Christ, and oh what a feeling, the feeling was nice. Finally my life was out of the pit, and no longer did I wonder where did I fit.
I finally met this guy who was Christian and all, and we spent 5 ½ years together until he did fall. He was caught cheating on me with a girl from work, and boy did he look stupid, he looked like a jerk. The sad part was he was hooked up with her by some of my friends, but none of that, our relationships had to end. Friends are different as you get old, you sometimes learn they turn into mold. Oh well, my heart was broken for the time, at that point I was wondering who was next in line.
Two years had passed and I was still in the same routine, helping out others and living the dream. Along came another guy friend, and I knew in a moment he would be their till the end. He had a wonderful personality, and could relate to my life, with two survivors that must equal a right! The moment I saw him I knew he was it, his swagga, his look, I knew I was hooked. To watch him struggle through his situation, made realize I could be his salvation. I made my sneak in and played it cool, stayed low key knowin who would win the dual. Everyday got better and I hated it to end, and at first I was just lookin for a friend, But I knew I would make it to be his wife and he would be there the rest of my life. Every moment with him I wanted it to stay, but little did I know I would push him away. I tried so hard to be what he needed, but who knew I was a text away from being stampeded. I had just lost my job, and had to get rid of my place, and my eyes were stinging from crying like they had just been sprayed with mace. My heart had never been trampled on so hard, and you knew in a moment their goes my guard. People telling me what’s best, and everyone continuing to yank my heart out of my chest. I finally got tired and couldn’t take anymore, and had no idea how heavily depression was in store. Five months with no work, and in my head I was dealing with a jerk.
I was getting ready for to take a group of kids to a camp, and before I left my soul grew very damp. The one call you hope never to hear, little did I know it was very near. I had always gone for the yearly tests and little did I know I would not rest. All I hear in the call, was CANCER, and my heart stopped, who knew another bubble was about to pop! I cried for an hour or two and you always think, “This will never happen to you!”
Made a quick move to Dallas so I could find work, and not ever worried how the cancer would lurk. I struggle and get sleepy as I work a little bit, but after I have money for the surgery it will all be worth it. Coming to Dallas with my suitcase in my car, with just the little that I had, I’m not worried because my life will go far.
As I sit here wonder when Ill finish this book, I am no longer afraid to let people take a look. As I have had a lot of time by myself with God, I can no longer feel like my life is odd. What you go through in life can be a teaching moment to another, don’t ever feel like your life is a bother. As I sometime wonder how I make it through, was this really my life, Gosh! Who knew…
****I have had a lot of happy moment in life too that I am very thankful for.
This is just bits and pieces of my book due to those wondering